what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
