I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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