My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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