The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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