Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
