In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
