my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
