He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
