Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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