Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
