guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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