Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My ass is underappreciated
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