Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize