My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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