I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
