so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i drank out of a bidet.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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