he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
