Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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