i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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