YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
