I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
