Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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