I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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