mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
