the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
