hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
