A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
