where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
