I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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