Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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