babies were throwing up all over the place
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I am one with the molecules
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
