Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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