really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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