guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Randomize
