based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
