I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
