I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
