Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
