My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize