If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
