i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize