we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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