I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
