do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
