My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize