Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
