I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
