We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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