i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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