Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
