Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
