I wish life had little blips of pornography
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
