i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
