so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just high enough for therapy.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
