Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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