i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
