Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
