Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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