This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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