you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
you never un-have a 4some
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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