I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
