Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
