I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
