Soap is not a condiment
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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