i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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