I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
