I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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