I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
