If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
