I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I supernannyed him into submission
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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