your room smells of hookers.
And success
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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