she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
