You really coming over, don't trick.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
