My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
did i walk over a car last night?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
