My room smells like vodka and shame
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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