the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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