i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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